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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789086">the sun was never a gentle lover, icarus should've loved me instead</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/biho/pseuds/biho'>biho</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>it's a tale of two lovers who never called themselves lovers [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mystic Messenger (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Character Study, M/M, Mentions of Rika/V but its still the shitty one lol, Mutual Pining, based off V route without an mc and rika stabs him, prose</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:09:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,420</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26789086</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/biho/pseuds/biho</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which, jihyun flies too close to the sun, and jumin's far too late to save his wings</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Han Jumin/V | Kim Jihyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>it's a tale of two lovers who never called themselves lovers [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953472</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the sun was never a gentle lover, icarus should've loved me instead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><em>I was a fool to waste an opportunity because of fear.<br/>
</em> <em> I think she's wonderful, a blank canvas, allowing me to paint on her on how I want to embrace her. She is the shivering flower with no light, and I am the sun. </em></p>
  <p>
    <em> But Jumin, I'm afraid you're different. You're a painting I could never complete. That's why I backed out, why I was afraid. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> I'm not worthy of completing you. I wish that you may find someone brave enough to take the brush. </em>
  </p>
  <p><em> Always thinking of you,<br/>
</em> <em> Jihyun </em></p>
</blockquote><hr/><p> </p><p>Jumin Han’s life dull.</p><p>It’s piles of papers stacked on the table, slim fingers dancing on keyboards, father this, father that, and a long night's rest with his beloved Elizabeth the Third. Rinse, wash, and repeat. </p><p>Any words that hold color were non-existent in Jumin’s world. All he’s ever known are the greys and whites of his job, and the occasional happiness that he gets from his darling Elizabeth. The thing is, though, it’s all fabricated; even the colors that she gives out feel phony. She brings happiness to his life because that’s what he convinces himself.</p><p>The man lets out a heavy sigh as he slumps against his office chair, exhausted by the amount of work right before his very eyes. This was the, what? Sixth, seventh, no- <em> Eight </em> project this month, and his father kept piling him on and on just because his new girlfriend demanded it. Then again, it was nothing new.</p><p>Jumin Han’s life was dull, colorless, and repetitive. Happiness was a luxury his money could never afford.</p><p>“ Mr. Han, “</p><p> Jaehee barges in his office, legs stumbling. The sound of her heels clicked as she nearly fell over. It was uncharacteristic of her to be so clumsy.</p><p>“ Assistant Kang, how many times have I told you to kn- “</p><p>“ V just got stabbed. “</p><p>That is, until Jihyun Kim comes rolling in. Then his life is anything but colorless.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>-</p><p>Jumin knows no emotion. But V is an artist with a brush who can paint it onto him.</p><p>The first one is anxiety. Jumin’s head is flooded with pictures of V gasping for air, body limp, lips closed. He wouldn’t even cry for help, no, no, that wasn’t V at all. He’d never dare be anyone’s burden, even if it was on his deathbed.</p><p>His face remains the usual expression, but you can tell the panic swimming in his eyes. The moment the car’s parked in the small cabin that Saeyoung and Hana were, Jumin practically bolts outside.</p><p>“ Jumin! “ </p><p>Saeyoung calls, standing up from the wooden chair,</p><p> “ I called for- “</p><p>“ Where is Jihyun? “ He says in one breath, and Saeyoung hints that his hands are shaking.</p><p>“ V’s inside the room to your left, he- “</p><p>He doesn’t let him finish his sentence. He walks straight into the said room, where his best friend lies. The sun drapes on his face and adorns his gentle features. Jihyun had always looked so angelic.</p><p>“ <em> Jihyun, </em> “  Jumin calls out, and it’s out of character; it’s gentleness, terror, and <em> you pinky promised to not leave me until I would be wed </em> all rolled in one. </p><p>“ Jumin, “ V calls out, that soft smile he’s oh so loved on his face, </p><p>“ You came. “</p><p>“ Why don’t we call an ambulance? You surely know the killer. Whoever they are, let’s hurriedly report th- “</p><p>“ No, no, “</p><p> Jihyun shakes his head and gives out a breathy laugh, “ There is need not for that. Sit down next to me, would you? “</p><p>“ Jihyun… “ He frowns, and he’s not shocked. Jihyun doesn’t look scared of death, like this was a play and he’s already read the script.</p><p>“ Come on. I missed you, Jumin. “</p><p>V’s done a hundred things for Jumin. If this is what he asks him to do, he shall comply.</p><p>He sits on the vacant chair right next to him.</p><p>“ You look peaceful, “ Jumin comments as he sits down.</p><p>“ Well, that’s because I am. “ V replies with a little laugh. A little smile. Like there wasn’t a wound that burned red on his chest as they spoke.</p><p>“ You’re dying, V. “</p><p>“ I know. “</p><p>The teal haired man mouths it like it’s something trivial. Knowing this self proclaimed martyr, <em> it was. </em> If he was burning, it was nothing to him. Someone else with a splinter to him was <em> everything. </em></p><p>“ V, “ Jumin calls out. There it is again, <em> anxiety. </em> And the second thing : <em> desperation. </em> Jumin never believed in anything fictional, but for V, <em> for Jihyun, </em> he’d bend any type of logic, any type of reality, if it had meant that he’d see him bare. “ You promised me there’d be no secrets between us. “</p><p>V laughs softly once again.</p><p> “ I did. “</p><p>“ So, tell me, V. <em> Who stabbed you? </em> “</p><p>“ <em> Jumin, </em> “</p><p>The soft laughter that spills out of his lips are akin to gentle dandelions. They brush against Jumin’s skin so tenderly. Yet soon enough, they fly away: like the velvet moment that he held dear was only fleeting. A short lived solace.</p><p>“ I’m dying, Jumin. Seeing you sad hurts me. “</p><p>He dodged the question. He always does.</p><p>“ What are you saying? “</p><p>“ I know you’ll forgive me. If you don’t, that’s fine. I won’t live long enough to see you get mad at me anyway. I’ll take your anger with me to my grave. “</p><p>Jumin’s heart stung at his words. </p><p>“ <em> I’ll break our promise. </em>Just this once. “</p><p>A frown draws itself on the businessman’s face.</p><p>“ Why are you doing this? “</p><p>“ I'm not the gentle angel you perceive me as, Jumin. “</p><p>“ You cannot convince me otherwise with that sentiment. “</p><p>V shakes his head as he chuckles.</p><p>“ You’re so stubborn. Still, it does not change the fact that I’m a dangerous man. “</p><p>“ I do not care if you are dangerous. I do not care if you’re not an angel. In the end, you’re my friend. You’re <em> my </em> Jihyun. “</p><p>Jumin’s too focused on the wound on his friend’s chest than the blush on his face.</p><p>“ You’re very silly, don’t you know that? “</p><p>“ I know I am. But I will be, for you. <em> Always. </em> “</p><p>There’s a moment of silence that hangs in the hair. Jihyun’s more relaxed as he lays down, his breathing going easy as well. The way the sun frames his face is so perfect, Jumin would have mistaken that the sun solely exists for him to be pictured like this.</p><p>Out of nowhere, Jihyun begins to laugh once again.</p><p>“ Why are you laughing? “</p><p>“ I feel like I’m not afraid of anything, Jumin. Not even death. But until now, even on my deathbed, I’m still so afraid of <em> one </em> thing. “</p><p>“ What do you mean? What are you afraid of? “</p><p>“ <em> Jumin, </em> “</p><p>V calls out to him once again, his hand on his. His muted, teal eyes look up at him while it carries the last shrivel of life that it has.</p><p>“ Yes, Jihyun? “</p><p>“ I’ve broken a lot of promises. But promise me one thing, won’t you? “</p><p>“ <em> Anything </em>. “</p><p>“ Find out what I’m afraid of. “</p><p>Jumin can’t hide the confused expression on his face.</p><p>“ But how do I do that? “</p><p>“ In my room. I have a box. “</p><p>“ A box in your room? But how can I… “</p><p>“ You’ll figure it out, soon. You’re always so smart, my Jumin. “</p><p>
  <em> Why does he say my name like it’s the last time he’ll ever say it? </em>
</p><p>“ V… I’m afraid I don’t understand. “</p><p>“ Whatever reaction it will yield, please don’t stay too mad at me. Or maybe you can. I believe I will get what I deserve. “</p><p>“ Jihyun…”</p><p>The smile never left his face, even as he closes his eyes.</p><p>His chest stops from rising up and down.</p><p>“ <em> ...Jihyun? </em>”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Jihyun Kim was declared dead after that. It was labeled as a suicide, even if the autopsy suggests otherwise.</p><p>Jumin’s paid good money to hide it. Not that he wants to, but that’s what Jihyun wants. </p><p>It was labeled as a suicide, but it was murder. Not only murder, but a robbery of the only man where Jumin found solace in.</p><p>It’s been three days since he’s skipped work. Two days since he hasn’t opened the messenger. And one day since he’s been sober. He’d add on more to those days, but he’s promised him something, and even beyond the grave, Jumin will be that loyal to his friend.</p><p>As Jumin opens the door to his room, dust starts to dance underneath the sun’s rays pouring in the windows like milk. It shone on an unfinished blank puzzle piece, the mundane hobby he’s had that he hasn’t mentioned to anyone. Well, anyone except Jumin.</p><p>But he supposes he doesn’t know <em> all </em> of his friend’s secrets after all.</p><p>Just as he said, there’s a small box sitting atop his desk. It seems to be unlocked, the key nowhere to be seen. He lifts it up, opens it, and inside he finds letters. There are at least 6.</p><p>One by one, Jumin opens them. Some are more worn out than the others, some with cleaner handwriting despite Jihyun’s awful penmanship. The only similarity in these letters is the single flower that’s embedded at the right side of them all: it had a faint print of a yellow acacia.</p><p>Jihyun always loved decorating his letters with flowers. It’s always with special paper, matched with his writing that flowed from the ink of his favorite pen. Although his penmanship may be barely readable as he’d say, it made it seem more sincere. More intimate.</p><p>Underneath the whole pile, however, laid a single letter…</p><p>It’s tinted pink. Instead of a flower, there is a bouquet of roses.</p><p>Jumin begins to untie the small white ribbon that holds it together. The handwriting inside is just as messy, but that’s an exact representation of the letter’s aftermath to his heart.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> I will take many secrets to my grave, but some of them I plan to unravel soon enough. But this one, I had planned to keep until I'm cremated, or until you find this note. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>My fear is you'd run away with that truth buried in your heart with a sense of disgust.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>But my greatest fear if it were reciprocal. I have far too many sins that no God can now forgive. I do not wish to taint you along with whatever dirt I find myself buried in.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I'm in love with you, Jumin. </em>
  </p>
  <p><em> Always and forever,<br/>
</em> <em>Jihyun</em></p>
  <p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
</blockquote><p>Third in the list of things Jihyun brings out in him: laughter.</p><p>Jumin laughs.</p><p>There's a hand buried in black locks, tugging each strand as he laughs. He laughs because it's all so funny. He laughs because he's been so scared. He laughs because Jihyun was scared, too. He laughs because maybe, maybe if he wasn't, Jihyun would still be in his arms, and not wrapped around a rose with thorns for an embrace. He laughs because the world is unfair, and God really does damn the prettiest flowers in his garden. But most importantly, he laughs because Jumin Han is a stupid, stupid man in love with Jihyun Kim, but was oh so afraid to even see it.</p><p>Laughter spills from his throat. It feels like vomiting glass</p><p>" How comedic, " He mutters, and he's shaking. Jumin Han is shaking. The grip on the patterned paper nearly loosened as tears rolled off its hard surface.</p><p>He’s talking to a ghost that’s haunted him forever, both when he was alive and now dead.</p><p>" I have always believed that reality can never get too dramatic. I live in a world where only logical things can unfold, and that melodrama is a mere fantasy, " He muses, " Yet why is my life now playing like a soap opera? "</p><p>The phrase <em> regret always comes last </em>has never made sense to Jumin. It didn’t make sense why you wouldn’t pursue choices you would later on coat with remorse.  He was always a man who did anything and everything without hesitation, but now, now he sees.</p><p>Because the thing that Jihyun feared is what he was afraid of, too.</p><p>“ If those damned soap operas can have a happy ending, why can’t I, too? “</p><p> </p><p>Jumin's world is colorless. V is an artist.</p><p>V is an artist, so he colors everything in Jumin's world and gives him a lightshow that no one would ever do to him. But he closes his eyes and tucks it away. He doesnt turn back to the painting Jihyuns colored for him because he was oh so fucking afraid.</p><p>Regret always comes last, and it's when he sees him whisked away by another woman. Now all the colors drain from his eyes, and he starts to crave to see what a rainbow looks like once again.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<hr/><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>This funeral felt like it was built for two. One for Jihyun’s body, the other for Jumin’s heart.</p><p>He feels soulless. Seeing the man that <em> dared </em> to write that letter and just leave him be in that casket. Even de- <em> asleep, </em> he looked so peaceful. So… Content, as if living had started to become a burden. </p><p>Maybe if he hadn’t tried to live his life as atlas, this wouldn’t have happened.</p><p>The movies never lied now, didn’t they? Jumin feels like he’s gone deaf. All sound is void except for the heavy beating of his own heart. He stares at his corpse, fingers digging in his own palm, hoping, praying, <em> praying </em> to whatever God that’s listening to make this all a dream. Make this all a joke. He doesn’t care how many times Jihyun has hurt him, or will hurt him, because he’ll forgive him. He’ll always forgive him.</p><p>But the words that fall off his lips is, “ I’ll never forgive you for leaving us too early. “ because he won’t. He never will.</p><p><em> Too early </em>because he hasn’t even said that I love you back. He never gave him the chance to reply.</p><p>Fourth: Love.</p><p>Jumin was no sun. But he knows for a fact that he'll never burn Jihyuns wings.</p><p>But he's already fled and fallen, and we can't rewrite stories when they've reached their epilogue.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> You are forever foolish.  </em>
  </p>
  <p><em> People are not your canvases. They are not someone you can perform the trial and error method on. If she was a blank canvas you should have let her paint herself. </em> <em> You have a penchant for ranking yourself lower than me when I've told you many times you are not. Before everything else, you are my best friend, Jihyun.  </em></p>
  <p><em> You do not need to complete me. I do not need to be your canvas.  </em> <em> Let whatever lies ahead of us be your canvas.  </em></p>
  <p>
    <em> Let me be your muse instead. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Until we meet again, </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Jumin </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i havent written in so long so if this is messy thats my excuse<br/>also i literally started this 2 months ago bc i was angry at jumin at the jaehee route. thats all.</p><p>i didnt edit this btw i cant be bothered</p></blockquote></div></div>
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